Wednesday, February 18, 2009

From the throws of toddlerdom

It crossed my mind to question, early in my days as a new mother, what would be the defining moments that bookended each stage in my children's lives.  Would I know the instant when my baby was no longer a 'newborn' and could be termed an 'infant'.  Would there be a note slipped under the door announcing that I am now the proud owner of a real, honest to goodness b-a-b-y? Would I come upon a neon sign that would glow bright with "Toddler-ville, next 3 exits"?   The short answer: uh, yup.  We have officially entered Toddlerdom: population-Sofie.  And, in case you're wondering how I know, (outside of the electric, hot-pink, flashing letters, floating directly over Sof's little blond head) here's what really tipped me off...
*I just spent 30 minutes picking small bits of ... well, I don't actually know what, exactly, but I spent 30 minutes picking IT out of the heating grate, because Sof's has achieved expert-status at putting things 'in'.
*Sofie has NOT achieved expert status in carrying bowls upright thus my vacuum cleaner has mysteriously taken on the smell of delicious toasted oats.  And, really, if I picked-up each individual rogue cheerio by hand not only would I end up with scoliosis, I'd probably also get arthritis.
*In the time it took me to find the phone and miss a call from dear hubby (aprox 8 seconds), Sof managed to commandeer the television remote and order "Hancock" from pay-per-view... I can't even begin to describe what a coordinated effort it takes to push that many buttons in the proper succession- I have a hard time with it, and I can read.
*While holding my sanity for ransom- Sofie has come up with a list of demands (all signed): "please, help, more more up. Book potty, cookie, please. Please. Water up! PLEASE!" (tantrum ensues)  Um, okay.... seriously, I can only assume the translation for that is "Mama, It's time for me to take a nap so you can have 3 seconds to yourself, and also I love you." 
*And then the ubiquitous toddler dance; a delicately choreographed ballet that you can expect to engage in under Sofie's direction: Aaaand, ACTION: Open the cupboard, take out the puzzles, no, not puzzles, blocks.  Empty contents of all block boxes, and now... puzzles.  No more blocks or puzzles, please now THAT cabinet.  HELP, I want THAAAT.... empty all contents of this cabinet, to find "that".  Once entirely empty, decide "that" must be hiding somewhere else. Continue looking under ALL the other toys only to discern the mysterious object of my desire is now located on the bookshelf.  Read this book, no, that book,  NOOOO, stop.reading.just.turn.pages. Faster.  Now this one and this one and this one and, ooooooh, cheerio (from last Friday) Now, UP and Water! No, not for drinking, for plaaaying. And Crayons! Noooo, not for coloring, for eating.  mmmm... eating...COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE! Aaaand, CUT!
*Oh, and then potty-training.  The End.


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